Using Silence to Listen

The most precious things in speech are the pauses
~Sir Ralph Richardson

I share this quote today to remind us to remember the pauses when having a conversation. This is especially important when talking with a child or an adult with speech difficulty. So many times we "self-talk" in an attempt to fill in the space when communicating with someone with a speech impairment but, more often than not, that pause is what they need to take their turn in the conversation. The silence may be just the opportunity they are waiting for in terms of attempting to speak. It is also important to remember that their turn is not limited to words - watch for facial movements, gestures, and body language and acknowledge the meaning within the exchange. Something as simple as an eye gaze towards a photograph or picture can speak volumes if we respect the pauses and take time to listen.

WHERE IS THE PERFECTION?

In Brooklyn, New York, Chush is a school that caters to learning disabled children. Some children remain in Chush for their entire school career, while others can be mainstreamed into conventional schools. At a Chush fund-raising dinner, the father of a Chush child delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.

After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he cried out, "Where is the perfection in my son, Shay? Everything God does is done with perfection. But my child cannot understand things as other children do. My child cannot remember facts and figures as other children do. Where is God's perfection?

The audience was shocked by the question, pained by the father's anguish and stilled by the piercing query. "I believe," the father answered, "that when God brings a child like this into the world, the perfection that he seeks is in the way people react to this child."

He then told the following story about his son Shay: One afternoon, Shay and his father walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they will let me play?" Shay's father knew that his son was not at all athletic and that most boys would not want him on their team. But Shay's father understood that if his son was chosen to play it would give him a comfortable sense of belonging.

Shay's father approached one of the boys in the field and asked if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance from his teammates. Getting none, he took matters into his own hands and said, "We are losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him up to bat in the ninth inning."

Shay's father was ecstatic as Shay smiled broadly. Shay was told to put on a glove and go out to play short center field. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again and now with two outs and the bases loaded with the potential winning run on base, Shay was scheduled to be up. Would the team actually let Shay bat at this juncture and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.

Everyone knew that it was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, let alone hit with it. However as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher moved a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay should at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. One of Shay's teammates came up to Shay and together they held the bat and faced the pitcher waiting for the next pitch. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly toward Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay and his teammate swung at the ball and together they hit a slow ground ball to the pitcher.

The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could easily have thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have ended the game. Instead, the pitcher took the ball and threw it on a high arc to right field, far beyond reach of the first baseman. Everyone started yelling, "Shay, run to first. Run to first." Never in his life had Shay run to first. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. By the time he reached first base, the right fielder had the ball.

He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman to tag out Shay, who was still running. But the right fielder understood what the pitcher's intentions were, so he threw the ball high and far over the third baseman's head. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second." Shay ran towards second base as the runners ahead of him deliriously circled the bases towards home.

As Shay reached second base, the opposing short-stop ran to him, turned him in the direction of third base and shouted, "Run to third." As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams ran behind him screaming, "Shay run home." Shay ran home, stepped on home plate and all 18 boys lifted him on their shoulders and made him the hero, as he had just hit a "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

That day," said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "those 18 boys reached their level of God's perfection."

ODE TO SPECIAL MOMS

Ode to Special Moms

Most women become mothers by accident, some by choice, a few by social 
pressures and a couple by habit.

This year, nearly 100,000 women will become mothers of handicapped children.
 Did you ever wonder how mothers of handicapped children are chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over Earth selecting his instruments for 
propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs
 his angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint, Matthew. Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, 
patron saint, Cecilia.

"Rudledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint, give her Gerard. He's used to 
profanity."

Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a handicapped 
child."

The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," says God. "Could I give a handicapped child to a mother who does 
not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of 
self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll 
handle it.

"I watched her today. She has that feeling of self and independence that is 
so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give 
her has his own world. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not 
going to be easy."

"But, Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles. "No matter. I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just 
enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, 
she'll never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child
 less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. 
She will never take for granted a 'spoken word.' She will never consider a 
'step' ordinary. When her child says 'Momma' for the first time, she will 
be present at a miracle and know it! When she describes a tree or a sunset 
to her blind child, she will see it as few people ever see my creations.

"I will permit her to see clearly the things I see . . . ignorance, 
cruelty, prejudice . . . and allow her to rise above them. She will never 
be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, 
because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."

"And what about her patron saint?" asks the angel, pen poised midair.

God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."

- Erma Bombeck, May, 1980

Play Partner - What Type Are You?

You know that children learn best through play - but do you know how to play the best way to help them learn? When adults play with children they tend to fall into the role of either the entertainer, the director, or the observer. The entertainer does anything they can to keep the child's attention. They dance, they sing, they jump around, which can all be great fun, but they often forget to let the child join in with them. The director spends play time teaching and instructing and forgets to make it fun. They tend to talk at the child rather than to him or her and they dominate the interaction. The observer doesn't know how to join into the child's game and sits back and watches instead. Observing is a great start for learning about a particular child, but joining in is key to helping children learn through play.

Becoming a responsive partner to your child is the ultimate goal in learning to play to learn. A responsive partner is able to adapt activities to allow a child at any stage of development to participate and take a turn(focus is on the child versus the toy or activity, make comments rather than question); to add information during an activity to help the child learn (label, describe, exaggerate key words, expand upon current knowledge); and to allow the child to lead the interaction to where they want to go(what is your child interested in, how do they want to play with this toy or game, what book do they choose). During play the responsive partner is face to face with the child and always reinforces that they are listening by interpreting what the child says, commenting on what the child is doing and adding information. Being a responsive play partner helps your child to feel valued, to trust that you are listening, and to learn to include you in the game.

Once in the game, the opportunities to teach your child are endless - but getting in takes work. Try video taping yourself playing with your child and identify the type of partner you tend to be to your child. Use these observations to come up with strategies to move towards becoming a more responsive partner during play.

Information in this post was adapted from The Hanen Program - It Takes Two to Talk.

Better Late Than Never - Right?

I intended to post more on play on the day following my previous post but things don't always go as planned. I have had two deaths in my family in the span of two weeks and, as I am sure you can all imagine, my focus shifted a bit. I was only able to get done what absolutely had to be done and unfortunately updating my blog did not make the cut. I am, however, slowly getting out of the fog I have been in and back to work. I will have the play post up by this afternoon.

Play Is Work

For children, playing is more than just play - it is work. They are working to learn about themselves and the world around them. They are working to learn how to interact using words, what words mean, and how to put words together to express thoughts and ideas. They are working to learn how to solve problems, store memories, and to remember new information. They are working to learn how to grasp, to carry things, run, to climb and to balance. They are also working to learn how to negotiate, to cooperate, and how to play by the rules.

Theodore Roosevelt once said "Far and away the best prize that life offers is the chance to work hard at work worth doing" - so remember to always work hard to play with your children to give you both a chance at one of life's best prizes - work worth doing!

Working hard as an adult to play seems silly to you I am sure - I mean how hard can it be? - it's only playing. The surprising answer is that it is much harder than you would think and many grown-ups, it turns out, are not such naturals at great playing after all so check back tomorrow for some tips on how to be a better playmate to your child.